friday stew—a random collection of unrelated miscellany

Three weeks ago I skinned my knee. I haven’t said “I skinned my knee” probably since I was 7. Because generally grownups don’t have to make that statement because mostly grownups don’t trip on a stupidly short lip on the sidewalk that they didn’t notice and then fall in front of a bench of guys, tearing their favorite linen pants. And skinning their knee.

There it is!

There it is!

The remnants of the scab still remained 2 weeks ago at the time of my book launch event and I had to adhere a bandage to cover it. See it there? Moral of the story, don’t wear your favorite linen pants near sidewalks with stupidly short lips. You’re welcome.

(I’m so sad about those pants ... )

This is a bad place for a picnic table. There’s not much more to say about it. Tree matter and bird poop galore. I thought it would be great. My Pep used to sit out here under these trees in his lawn chair and drink drippy cans of Bud. It would have been nice to come out here to eat our supper, but the BS from this tree is too much.

And it seems as though the matter has sort of ingrained itself into my table. Which weighs 3 tons. And the other day when there were a bunch of guys here I forgot to ask them to move it until they’d all left. Of course. Stupid trees.

Did Sharpie fumes ever kill anyone? I’m hoping not, but we might be treading awfully close to mass brain cell death. My girls LOVE permanent markers—the colors are so bright and brilliant and opaque and so efficiently and definitively destructive. I gave them a pack about a year ago and, several ruined dresses later, I hid them. However, the girls never forgot them.

“But,” I’d say when they repeatedly requested them, “they ruin dresses. Permanently.”

Accidentally,” they’d emphasize. As if intention makes a Sharpie less permanent.

Well, I decided we’d give it another go and so far so good. Except for the potential brain cell death. (Please tell me that’s not a thing ... )

This is vegan ranch dressing. Says “salsa” but it’s not. It’s vegan ranch dressing. I know, I know ... But it’s quite good. I found a recipe for vegan mayo in this really great cookbook called Happy Herbivore Light & Lean. Lots of really yummy stuff in there. I am reading Happy Herbivore Light & Lean because summer is nearly here and I experience an annual panic when I think of slipping on skimpy hot-weather clothing. So I found this vegan mayo recipe and as it goes, mayo and sour cream are the base of my homemade ranch dressing for which I possess a fondness bordering on the obsessive. But it’s 72 calories a tablespoon. So I made a version of it using this vegan mayo and it’s delicious and only 13 calories a tablespoon! Freakin’ 13! Go ahead and laugh at me but when I am strolling down the beach like an aging Victoria’s Secret model, who will be laughing then? Exactly.

Savers is my new favorite place. Nothing thrills me quite like a bargain—don’t tell Steve (not his real name)—and Saver’s is the very epicenter of bargains. Around back you drop off the stuff you don’t want anymore, get a nice tax deduction and on really lucky days a coupon, then you go inside and peruse the stuff other people didn’t want anymore, drove out back and dropped off and got themselves a nice little tax deduction. I don’t know if they went inside after that, but let me just say they missed out if they did not! Clothes, books, housewares—all at amazingly low prices! Lately I have hit the jackpot on kids’ books—novels, math texts, a kid’s guide to the night sky atlas. The other day they had a 50% off sale on clothing and I found 4 skorts for my girls, a pair of yoga capris and like 8 shirts for me—grand total $25! What?! Yes, you read that right!

And this little purse for $6.99. Yes that IS the vegan ranch right back there. Look at her all pert in all her healthy low-calorie-ness!

You all get out there and have a happy Friday!

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